binge-eating disorder
TRIGGERWARNING: eating disorder
“Once I almost vomited. When it was all right again after half an hour, I continued to eat“
Anonym
This interview is about the topic of eating disorders.
The affected person suffers from a binge eating disorder, which means that they suffer from recurrent binge eating. This is a mental illness that runs in a cycle. Cravings end in binge eating followed by shame and fear of gaining weight which lead the person to go on a diet.
“Binge-eating” comes from the English and means as much as binge eating.
People affected by this disease eat more food in a short period of time than most people in similar situations. These binge eating episodes occur independently of feelings of hunger. Most of the time, they do not notice what and how much they have eaten.
You can find out how binge eating disorder manifests itself in an affected person in this interview.
Talk in general about the binge eating cycle and how you experience it for yourself.
It all started with the goal of losing weight, as I often felt uncomfortable in my body when I was a child. I was never very fat, but there were always a few kilos too many for me. So far, I have never managed to lose more than 2 kilos in the long run, because diets have never worked for me. Then, at the beginning of last year, I discovered the calorie deficit for myself. I tracked my calories in an app every day and tried not to eat more than 1,300 calories a day at the beginning. This worked very well. I then lost 10 kilos within a few months. However, since last year I can’t stop tracking calories in the long term and I can’t stop thinking about calories when I eat. I now subconsciously look at my body in the mirror several times a day or pull up my T-shirt to look at my stomach. Sometimes I feel good looking at it and other times I don’t feel good at all. The difference can be as little as a few hours. At some point, I also started having occasional binge eating. These usually come out of nowhere. I get a craving for a piece of chocolate and think to myself that one is perfectly okay. But then I eat another and another until the whole packet is empty. At this point I regret eating so much, but also think to myself that the day is now ruined for the calorie deficit anyway. Then I usually can’t stop eating. Often until I have a terrible stomach ache. Once I almost vomited. When it was okay again after half an hour, I kept eating. The next day I start tracking my calories again as usual and feel very good if I stick to my goal until the next eating attack starts.
Do you have periods when the eating disorder is worse? If so, are there certain situations that trigger you?
Often it comes out of the blue, out of boredom or when I’m stressed. For example, when I’m about to go on a holiday where I want to wear short clothes or go swimming. Then I’m very careful to count the calories and that can make it more likely to binge eat.
Were there any triggers in your childhood/adolescence that could have led to the eating disorder?
Unfortunately, probably the biggest trigger came through my family. I heard stupid comments about my weight almost every day. My body was commented on at every family party. Even seemingly funny comments like: “You’re so hungry again today” or statements like: “We just had dinner”, even if I only took an apple, hurt me extremely, especially in my childhood.
Last year in the summer after I lost weight, people would say, “You look so beautiful thin. How did you do that?” These statements only reinforced my desire to keep losing weight and I felt like I was doing everything right.
In the meantime, my eating habits have become a bit healthier again. Much more often I don’t think about tracking calories when I eat or I don’t feel bad immediately when I eat something unhealthy and I also have my binge eating under control to some extent. However, I know that this can change again quickly.
Are you happy with your body?
It very much depends on the day. When I’ve gone through with the calorie deficit and been to the gym, I’m usually very happy with my body. When I’ve eaten too much, I often feel disgusting and too fat.
What influence does social media have on your eating disorder?
Because of my searches on the internet, my entire Foryou page on TikTok as well as Instagram is full of seemingly perfect sporty people who go to the gym every day or people who show what and how many calories they eat every day. This actually influences me a lot. This image of people was normalised in my head for a long time. In the meantime, however, I know that I am trapped in a bubble in the social networks and that my eating behaviour is not normal.
Have you talked to family or friends about your eating disorder? Are you getting support?
I told my close friends, who listened to me and showed understanding. People who know less about the subject can’t be of much help.
Do you suffer from other mental illnesses besides your eating disorder?
Probably yes, but nothing is diagnosed.
Are you in therapy? If yes, is the therapy helping? If no, have you thought about it?
I have often thought about it, but never got over it. In good phases, I often think that I can manage on my own. In the meantime, things are better for me. I’m trying to rebuild a healthy eating pattern myself.
If you can think of anything else you would like to say, please feel free to share it.
In conclusion, I would just like to say that you should never comment on another person’s body or eating habits. Any joke can be triggering or hurtful. You never know what is behind a person.